Bala's Menagerie

I'm going to be direct. I'm sick to Bala damn death of you killing off my other creations you jealous minions! Just because I gave the best gifts to animals other than yourselves, you feel the need to steal what you can from them, then remove them from the face of MY planet.

This must end. The reason it has been drawn to my attention is because one of my favourite creations, not well known by humans, is now endangered at best. Chlamyphorus truncatus, or, if you prefer to fit it into your own pre-existing knowledge sets, "The pink fairy armadillo"  came to me in one of my more inspired moment. 


I had made fairies but they were fragile and as stupid as Sarah Palin (they were intended to make me laugh)
I then created armadillos, originally they were going to be my first line of defense in case of traveling salesmen.  
Finally I had made cherry blossoms and other pink florally things. Because I could, and I like Pink. 


The latter would be quite difficult for most deities to achieve, because making you see a colour that isn't real is quite intricate work.
I liken it to teaching Australians to pronounce the name of their country correctly, explaining to America, that when I send aliens they will go to Egypt not NYC, or educating Indians about how society should work, and that the class system is in the top ten stupidest things humans have created. 


Now back to me and my armadillo. 
This is how pink is made. Although you probably won't understand, oh look 3 of you just died from the strain of it. 

I decided, in one of my continuous moment of higher being (while listening to the Sound of Music) to combine a few of my favourite things to produce: 

 pink armadillos with hard outer cases,

 sturdy and fluffy with small mouse like faces!

Pink Fairy Armadillo, 3.5-4.5 inches long, and what of it! 

And so it was born. Yet you see fit to kill it off? I don't think so. Punishment will ensue. I am in my cross-breeding lab, I've dallied in creation for some time, and am quite good at it. My more recent masterpieces include:

The Satanic Leaf Tailed Gecko, modelled after one of my wives. 

Uroplatus phantasticus. After my wife Phantastic . 

I let you discover the Dinospider , which has been around in one form or another for 300 million years before you noticed it, (Not the Fiat Dinospider which is an infant 50ish years old hahaha)

Ricinoides atewa

Not out of my lab

I finally decided for one of my latest inventions, to improve one of my existing artworks. I know you can't improve on perfection, but i thought I'd make it a bit more terrifying as you are all so scared of them. The almost as immortal as me, cockroach, new and improved: It now Jumps. 

I present from South Africa:

Saltoblattella montistabulari 

Be afraid, be very afraid. 

So, if you don't want me to merge House flies with piranhas, then support the Pink fairy armadillo and remove prejudices against my marvellous invention. You may wish to purchase a ,Pink Fairy Armadillo shirts. for example. 

My Army is Growing

Today is indeed a propitious day as the seven billionths of you, my slaves was born. Soon you will reach the quota that I have set for your species and I will begin to implement the next stage of my plan. I knew that this day would come, however I had expected to have some more time to prepare. Who knew that when I substituted the water in China and India for my fertility elixir that my power would be so great that these people would begin to multiply at such an extraordinary rate.

My 7 billionth child-Danica May Camacho and the vessel I chose to give birth to her, Camille Dalura.

Sometimes I am much too humble when it comes to acknowledging my own greatness.

Unfortunately, today is not such a joyous occasion as I had expected, for as I sat and sipped on my glass of Platinum Passion, observing you all, I realised that somewhere in my perfect design something has gone wrong. It would appear that my army of super beings has turned into nothing more than sluggish clones.

You are all the same, every Monday you awake from your slumber and rather than rejoice and thank me for this life I have given you, you curse me. I am disgusted that not only has your species seemed to stall to a halt in your evolutionary progress you have also developed a chronic knack for laziness.



If this is you, you will be amongst the first of my cull


You have forgotten your purpose of your existence and expect to live the lives of kings and indulge your every desire without ever lifting a finger.

BALA IS THE ONLY KING.
And you would all do well to remember this.

Whenever you feel this misplaced sense of importance I suggest you take a good long look in the mirror and realise that you are nothing more than a metaphorical smear on my windscreen. Your only purpose in life is to work and to serve me. If you continue along this path then I will have no option but to take back all that I have given you. I do not need you to be happy, I simply need you to breed.



I will squish you like the bugs you are

I had produced the movie Planet of the Apes as a warning; to show you your fate should your impetuousness continue. But it would appear that you did not pay heed. You will become nothing more than the cattle which you keep locked in their pens. Your wealth, your dignity, your humanity will all be stripped from you and you will indeed spend your days living as nothing more than the mindless lemmings you have all become.

As the centuries have progressed, I realise that I was indeed wise to create my back up super army of ants, for the ants have never let me down. Day and night they scurry and work, devoting every second of their life to creating and fortifying my underground empire.

Do not take this warning lightly for Bala is displeased

Things Bala Doesn't Approve Of: Obesity

Things Bala does not approve of today.

Obese people

I give you life, I created you, using a specific chain of chemical reactions resulting in mostly water and idiocy.

Some of you treat your vessels of complete unfulfillment with some respect, Miranda Kerr being the ideal model of living (organic diet and activity). Some of you indulge from time to time, which is acceptable as long as your mc whatever meal is not more important to you, than your God (me)

What I intended.

Ruining my creations one giant burger at a time

But increasingly, more of you morons insist on treating this masterpiece of carbon based architecture, as a dumping ground for unused sugars.

Bala does not accept this.

Doctors and nurses insist on extending life, a practice which I deplore as I find myself short on afterlife slaves and workers. I may have to initiate another plague if you get too good at it.
 

However for you to continue your pointless existence you need to have faith in "medicine" and so I permit these medical practitioners. Their purpose is to assist in the breathing, working, participating of the useful humans and NOT to resurrect bloated fat balls of mumbling unhygienic carbohydrate who offer no advancement to the universe of Bala.

Now Bala is just. I do not criticize Beyonce or the lovely Kim Kardashian. I can even accept cute rounded curves like Bridget Jones or a convex but excellent cooking grandmother.
 

What is not tolerable is a human who is so girthly hindered they can not move save to move their hand; which no doubt contains some more sugar form, to their mouth. The mouth which has become little more than a slight puckering in a desert of flesh.
 

One of my loyal servants I believe her earth name is "Jenny Craig" is battling this epidemic.
 

Avoid the cull now!

I advise you, if you have a BMI that places you in the obese/morbidly obese category, or if you can't read this decree of betterment without breaking a sweat, see my Jenny and I may spare you.


Bala.



NEXT TIME: THE FETTISH EPIDEMIC

http://www.blogger.com/%20http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqosuxefyyg&feature=related