The Parable of the Lost Son

Bala continued: “I once had two sons. The younger one said to me, ‘Father, give me my share of the universe.’ I was proud that my son had inherited my ambition, so I divided the galaxy between them.

 “Not long after that, my younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant planet known only as ‘Earth’ and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in the country in which he had chosen to stay, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.



Oink



 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s minions have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against the world of Bala and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your brainless minions.’ So he got up, found his spaceship and came home to me.

"But while he was still a long way off, I being the all seeing messiah that I am, saw him, and was filled with pride that my son had survived the dreaded Earth and as such, rather than wait for the next 2 million years for his space ship to arrive, I instantly teleport him to me."

 “My son said to me, ‘Father, I have sinned against the world of Bala and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

First Bala slapped him for being so weak to come grovelling back to him, but then he laughed and said to his slaves, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and tickle his feet. Bring me a fatty and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they all began to celebrate.

A Fatty nicely stuffed and presented for the feast

 “Meanwhile, my older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the slaves and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed a fatty because he has him back safe and sound.’

 “My oldest son became angry and refused to go in. SoI went out and spoke with him. But he answered me, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fatty for him!’

 “‘My son,” I said, ‘you are always with me, and not once have you showed any initiative to go out and take what is rightfully yours. I am the all mighty Bala, it does not do that I have a son as weak as you.”

And so Bala banished his eldest son to the distant planet of Earth.

On his entry into the atmosphere his spaceship crashed and he was knocked unconscious. A Russian woman by the name of Marta Yegorovnam found him and he spent the rest of his days comatised and frozen solid in her fridge.

Bala became angry at her preserving his life so he showed himself in an apparition to two of his loyal followers at the Karelian Research Center of the Russian Acadamy of Sciences and said to them, “Go forth and find my son, reposes his body so that it may serve as a constant reminder to those who do not please me.”

They did as they were told and Bala was pleased.