Dear Bala

Here I give you the chance to ask me for my guidance. Always remember that no matter what you do, I am always there, judging you with my superior impartiality.

My Army is Growing

Today is indeed a propitious day as the seven billionths of you, my slaves was born. Soon you will reach the quota that I have set for your species and I will begin to implement the next stage of my plan. I knew that this day would come, however I had expected to have some more time to prepare. Who knew that when I substituted the water in China and India for my fertility elixir that my power would be so great that these people would begin to multiply at such an extraordinary rate.

My 7 billionth child-Danica May Camacho and the vessel I chose to give birth to her, Camille Dalura.

Sometimes I am much too humble when it comes to acknowledging my own greatness.

Unfortunately, today is not such a joyous occasion as I had expected, for as I sat and sipped on my glass of Platinum Passion, observing you all, I realised that somewhere in my perfect design something has gone wrong. It would appear that my army of super beings has turned into nothing more than sluggish clones.

You are all the same, every Monday you awake from your slumber and rather than rejoice and thank me for this life I have given you, you curse me. I am disgusted that not only has your species seemed to stall to a halt in your evolutionary progress you have also developed a chronic knack for laziness.



If this is you, you will be amongst the first of my cull


You have forgotten your purpose of your existence and expect to live the lives of kings and indulge your every desire without ever lifting a finger.

BALA IS THE ONLY KING.
And you would all do well to remember this.

Whenever you feel this misplaced sense of importance I suggest you take a good long look in the mirror and realise that you are nothing more than a metaphorical smear on my windscreen. Your only purpose in life is to work and to serve me. If you continue along this path then I will have no option but to take back all that I have given you. I do not need you to be happy, I simply need you to breed.



I will squish you like the bugs you are

I had produced the movie Planet of the Apes as a warning; to show you your fate should your impetuousness continue. But it would appear that you did not pay heed. You will become nothing more than the cattle which you keep locked in their pens. Your wealth, your dignity, your humanity will all be stripped from you and you will indeed spend your days living as nothing more than the mindless lemmings you have all become.

As the centuries have progressed, I realise that I was indeed wise to create my back up super army of ants, for the ants have never let me down. Day and night they scurry and work, devoting every second of their life to creating and fortifying my underground empire.

Do not take this warning lightly for Bala is displeased

The Bogus Queen

The queen has left her palace. I allowed this to happen because my plan is taking longer than I expected, although I planned it that way.

What is this queen?  I hear you ask (actually I read your mind). Well it may surprise you to discover that she is no more than an experiment. A lab rat, if you like.

I know, I know, it’s obvious. Her eyes are much too close together and she is missing several critical pieces of genetic code. Although I don’t need to tell you WHY I chose to do this experiment but I will, because I enjoy watching your reactions.

The first reason was to see what hilarious genetic mutations, and the royal's pathetic attempts to disguise them, would result. When I tried it with the Hapsburg family, they evolved their own distinctive jaw. Quite comical.

Bala likes funny mutations

 The English royals have managed to keep some of their inbreeding out of the public eye. But I decided to alert your “media” about Katherine and Nerissa Bowes-Lyon (the queen mother’s nieces) who had been incarcerated, and unvisited, in the Royal Earlswood Mental Hospital in Surrey for half a century. Mwhahaha.  Also I threw in a bit of haemophilia and porphyria (the latter of which inspired me to create vampires)

Queen doing bala tribute face

The second reason, was that I couldn’t be bothered lording over the united kingdom for a while. It was too cold and I had placed a large permanent cloud over the country many eons ago which I choose not to remove.

summer in the UK

 Bala is the real ruler; he only placed these so called royal "cretins" into power back in the 1500's, now Bala has no use for these cretins anymore.

I had hoped that eventually the joke that is royalty, a genetically related few with ridiculous wealth, unheard of power over the masses and so languid they choose not to use that power for anything remotely useful, would rile the masses into an overthrowing frenzy. I suppose that’s my equivalent for you TV show “Survivor”.  

You briefly attempted a coup, however being the morons you are, you stole entertainment devices instead of going to the palace to riot. Bala is not amused. As punishment, I will kill off ALL rioters final destination style over the next 80 years.

watch your back idiot

 In the meantime, I have possessed your Queen. After she declined to taste Kangaroo stew in Australia, I reached breaking point and decided to take control. Kangaroo should have been what cows are to you, but you are too useless and slow to catch them. They are delicious.

As I imprint my thoughts on to this Blog, I am on a jet to the palace where I begin to implement change. Prepare yourselves.

How to scam a scammer Lesson 1

The Scam:

Tell me the condition & Price for your stuff listed on gumtree. Please strictly reply back to my email wilijkn@yahoo.com

The Response:

Good Evening Kind Sir and/or Madam,

God be praised, your SMS has come at a most auspicious time, for I had all but given up hope that somebody would be interested in purchasing the truly extraordinary stuff that I have listed on the website 'gumtree.com' .

You queried the condition of the stuff which I have listed and it is my great pleasure and honour to tell you that it is of the most impeccable standards. I can guarantee with the utmost certainty that if you were to go forth with your intent to purchase you will be extremely satisfied.

How can I be so certain I hear you ask? Ha! Excuse me while I laugh a moment, for that is an extremely simple question to answer.

Whilst I was undergoing my most recent journey of enlightenment, traversing through the Great Himalayan Mountains, by a blessed chance of fate I happen to stumble across none other than the All-Knowing Bala himself!

Now I know what you're thinking, what I say can not possibly be the truth, for nobody has ever laid eyes on the Almighty Bala. But, I swear to you friend, I do indeed speak the truth.

What is even more unbelievable is that by some strange fortune I was already in possession of the stuff when I met the most revered God of them all, and so, rather than be selfish and ask for a blessing for my poor undeserving self, I did the most selfless thing I could and I asked him instead to bless the stuff. This ensured that one more deserving than I would eventually come in possession of the Puissant Bala's blessing.

After hearing all this I know you will be extremely eager to know what price I have put on the stuff and to be honest, there is no price you can put on the blessing of the Great One.

However, I sense that you are a kind and caring soul and for that reason alone I am willing to sell to you the stuff for the extremely generous price of $350,000.99 .

I understand that at first glance you may feel that this is simply too high a price for you to ever afford.

However, ask yourself this- Can you really put a price on your happiness and fortune? Can you really put a price on something that is 120% confirmed able to bring you ever lasting peace?

No, I didn't think so.

If you would be so kind as to STRICTLY email me your credit card details I will gladly deduct the agreed upon amount and shall in all haste send the stuff to your chosen address.

I await eagerly for your reply.

May Peace Be With You.