The Parable of the Lost Son

Bala continued: “I once had two sons. The younger one said to me, ‘Father, give me my share of the universe.’ I was proud that my son had inherited my ambition, so I divided the galaxy between them.

 “Not long after that, my younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant planet known only as ‘Earth’ and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in the country in which he had chosen to stay, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.



Oink



 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s minions have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against the world of Bala and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your brainless minions.’ So he got up, found his spaceship and came home to me.

"But while he was still a long way off, I being the all seeing messiah that I am, saw him, and was filled with pride that my son had survived the dreaded Earth and as such, rather than wait for the next 2 million years for his space ship to arrive, I instantly teleport him to me."

 “My son said to me, ‘Father, I have sinned against the world of Bala and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

First Bala slapped him for being so weak to come grovelling back to him, but then he laughed and said to his slaves, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and tickle his feet. Bring me a fatty and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they all began to celebrate.

A Fatty nicely stuffed and presented for the feast

 “Meanwhile, my older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the slaves and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed a fatty because he has him back safe and sound.’

 “My oldest son became angry and refused to go in. SoI went out and spoke with him. But he answered me, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fatty for him!’

 “‘My son,” I said, ‘you are always with me, and not once have you showed any initiative to go out and take what is rightfully yours. I am the all mighty Bala, it does not do that I have a son as weak as you.”

And so Bala banished his eldest son to the distant planet of Earth.

On his entry into the atmosphere his spaceship crashed and he was knocked unconscious. A Russian woman by the name of Marta Yegorovnam found him and he spent the rest of his days comatised and frozen solid in her fridge.

Bala became angry at her preserving his life so he showed himself in an apparition to two of his loyal followers at the Karelian Research Center of the Russian Acadamy of Sciences and said to them, “Go forth and find my son, reposes his body so that it may serve as a constant reminder to those who do not please me.”

They did as they were told and Bala was pleased.

How to scam a scammer Lesson 2

From: Bala Ali baladidit@gmail.com
To: Mrsmaria Gam <mrsmariagam@yahoo.com.ph>
Date:Tue, Nov 8, 2011 at 11:48 PM
SubjectRe: EYES ONLY:FROM ACCOUNT OFFICER
mailed-bygmail.com


Let's address your e-mail one point at a time. I know you are only mortal, and so I will write in simple sentences. See below highlighted.



On Tue, Nov 8, 2011 at 5:49 AM, Mrsmaria Gam <mrsmariagam@yahoo.com.ph> wrote:

Dear Bala,

Thank you very much for your response, and your interest in this transaction, I am also glad to note that you are noble and trustworthy person of course I am noble and trustworthy. I am god.whom I can rely on for your capabilities to handle this transaction.Like I said before, due to this issue on my hands now,it became necessary for me to seek your assistance,You are one of billions who ask for my help. why should I choose to help you?  I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and also to help me in investing my money in your country. You should not have anything to worry about. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking How about universal laws, Jupiter has very strict legislation about this kind of thing.
Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up.If you work seriously, Bala only ever works jokingly. the entire transaction should be over within two weeks. Human time or god time? I also want you to know that i will be very upfront with you and will expect the same from you .Since I can read your mind thta's not an issue .My job with my bank is all i've You need a capital I for 'I've' got and even though i I can claim denialbility if exposed i I would rather choose to believe and have faith in your basic sincerity.In line with this i I am forwarding to you the original deposit slip of the aforementioned funds in my bank{THEN EQUITABLE PCI BANK} as a sign of surety and will ask that you deligently follow through with my procedure and when the time comes that of the attorney and in so doing we will surely by the grace of God I am god, it is my grace to give out.  be able to conclude this transaction speedily.Like i I oh I give up  said i will be upfront with you as i appreciate that only truth and honesty will see us through and in this light i  promise that whatever i need of you will be explained and clarified.Lastly my goal and our goal is great and i will tell you catigorically once and for all time You will not live to see all time that you remove any remaining doubts you have about this.What i need is your true and loyal partnership as our goal is clear and the hour is now.Let my words,actions and processes judge.MY WORD IS MY BOND.JAMES BOND.
READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

Firstly,i will like to know the type of occupation that you are involved in. Religion, God of all. I will like to know how old you are. About 88^10 You should note that this project is highly capital intensive. This is why I have to be very careful as i will be commiting my funds to this venture. I need your total devotion and trust to see this through.I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.I can come to your house to visit you, I know where it is, I've been before.
I mentioned an attorney earlier and it is important i tell you about him as he will be the key to the success of this deal.The attorney works out of the UK but is very familiar with the workings of our system out here as indeed i first met him through the late Lawrence Smith who he worked for at the time.I have reached out to him to assist in this transaction as obviously he knows alot and can be of immence assistance.My reaching out to you is also as a result of his councel on the best way to claim beneficiary of the funds and i have engaged his firm and will be paying him accordingly to process and prepare documents that will put you in as next of kin and beneficiary. Yes I am aware of Lucifer, I have worked with him many times. You should be wary of your soul around him mortal hahaha.

Now as in all banks my bank has correspondence banks and in looking at the best way to sucessfully collect on the beneficiary funds when you are made heir to the estate i think if imperative that we use a correspondence bank of my bank and i have chosen one that will suit us to the latter.I now intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank. OK that's done, now what? The money would be transferred to your account which you will open in the bank,This is the best way i have found to proceed with the transaction.It is expidient for you to know that the bank i am directing you to is a correspondence bank of my bank and transferring this huge amount there will be routine and normal.Also upon the transfer of the funds into your account there i will be in a better position to monitor the funds and to guarantee you comply with transfering my part to my personal account and other ventures that i deem appropriate.Other ventures meaning investments and in this again i will solicit your assistance in pointing me towards the right direction in regards to making investments in your country.Furthermore you must realise that after the Sept 11 2001 terrorist attack in the States Thanks aren't necessary.  transferring such huge amounts as this in one go into your country will raise eyebrows and call for unwarranted questions and procedures. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when concluded,So you should listen to my instructions and follow them religiously Of course, if you follow me religiously.
As result of this, you will have to open an account in the corresponding bank.I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of the attorney to give the transaction the legal right.No problems I have divine right and diplomatic immunity, so I can park wherever I want.
Before I commence, I will need you to send me a scanned copy of any form of your identification (Driver's license or International passport) You may have proof of identity here: http://baladidit.blogspot.com/and your full names,Bala Didit current address 1 Pyramid st.  Gîza, Al Jizah, Egypt  and also your private phone and fax number I have no need for these, I use cats.  as these are necessary details for the attorney to commence work. As soon as I get these from you, I will commence the paper work with the attorney.These details will also be necessary for the attorney to prepare a power of attorney that will mandate him to act on your behalf.
 
I will send the name and contact details of the bank to you so that you can commence communication with them as soon as i receive your mail with aforementioned details.

Please let me state that however this process that i would choose and like us to implement due to its simplicity and cost factors,if you would rather personally take charge by deciding to travel to personally lay claim to the funds then that can be worked out also although like i said it would involve your travelling and going through clearance yourself.If you prefer this option then as soon as the attorney perfects the paperwork that puts you in as next of kin you will then have to arrange to travel to clear the funds personally.We can also explore this option too and i'd generally like to hear your input as indeed i must value your take and perception.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential, do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.What is your reason for this, such an elusive opportunity, I know Kali would be interested.
Please reply soonest.

Regards,

Maria Cristina Gam
BALA

Why none of you can never be as Great as me

What I am going to share with you today is evidence that none of you deserve to be given such reverence to be known as ‘history’s greats’. Unlike me, you are really nothing more than clones made from a one size fits most mold, with only slight variations in looks (I learnt from creating chemoautotrophs, that having my creations all look the same can cause big headaches when it comes to doing headcounts) and abilities (any good soap opera produce will tell you, throwing a bunch of half-wits together with vastly conflicting personalities makes for great day time viewing).

Case Study 1. Albert Einstein

You view this man as one of your most brilliant.

He gave you the ‘Special Theory of Relativity’ stating that all uniform motion is relative and reinforced what I had been trying to get through to your useless brains for centuries, that there is no absolute state of rest (from now on I want no more complaints in regards to lack of sleep, just do what you were put on this Earth for and work on building my empire).

Yes, I might've blessed Einstein with a few more cognitive functions than most, but the truth of the matter is that he was a philanderer who cheated on both his wives repeatedly (might I add that one of those wives was in fact his cousin Elsa).

Brainless minions shouldn't waste time reading and get back to frying my burgers

Personally this doesn’t bother me, for as I have explained to you previously one of my greatest regrets was the creation of this so called ‘Love’. However, I am surprised that so little of you care to remember this fact considering the emphasis you place on the sanctity of marriage.     

Case Study 2. Winston Churchill

Ahh Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill.

With so many names it’s obvious that he would have to become someone of importance. You revere him the most for the leadership he provided during WWII, you also gave him one of your Nobel Prizes in Literature.

And my oh my, what a finely articulated person he was, here, I even copied some of his lesser known writings out for you:

“I do not admit… that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America, or the black people of Australia… by the fact that a stronger race, a higher grade race… has come in and taken its place.” -Churchill to Palestine Royal Commission, 1937

“I do not understand the squeamishness about the use of gas. I am strongly in favour of using poisonous gas against uncivilised tribes” – Writing as president of the Air Council.

“First there are the Jews who, dwelling in every country throughout the world, identify themselves with that country, enter into its national life, and, while adhering faithfully to their own religion, regard themselves as citizens in the fullest sense of the State which has received them…. Most, if not all, of them have forsaken the faith of their fathers…This worldwide conspiracy for the overthrow of civilisation…has steadily growing” — Writing on ‘Zionism versus Bolshevism’ in the Illustrated Sunday Herald, February 1920

Now correct me if I’m wrong (which I’m not), but don’t these writings lead to the conclusion that this Sir Churchill was indeed a racist? Once again your stupidity comes to light through your hypocrisy.

Of course if it had been a competition based on intelligence, the dog would've been first

Joseph Stalin was also a ‘great war time leader’

Mao Tse-Tung was also a ‘great war time leader’

Adolph Hitler was also a ‘great war time leader’

Pol Pot was also a ‘great war time leader’

Benito Mussolini was also a ‘great war time leader’

Oh wait, never mind, I think I worked out your reasoning. So long as you are a great leader but not literally the one orchestrating the cull then all will be forgiven.

Case Study 3. Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson was the principal author of your United States Declaration of Independence. He was also passionately against white people having children with black people (a reasoning I will never understand, seeing that such copulations generally results in rather attractive offspring).  

Woe and behold, you adeptness at hypocrisy once again prevails as dear old Thomas was running around fathering children with his black slave Sally Hemings (but of course he denied this so all was forgiven).

What I find most amusing is how so many of you idolise these certain individuals, overlooking all their flaws and granting them an almost Bala like status simply because they do certain things which you common minions could never achieve.

Ultimate chaos is my goal: Occupy begins

This is why I influenced Qantas baggage handlers, caterers and ground staff to strike. It didn’t take much work; they are all greedy ungrateful, replaceable tools anyway. Yes, yes, I know you may be slightly frustrated at me, after all, these stops and starts have affected over 10,000 passengers, (coincidentally, this is the number of children in the USA that became clinically obese in the time it took you to read this) but it's all part of my plan you see.

Let me begin with explaining about Australian politics. Australian politics are governed within the framework of a parliamentary democracy with electoral procedures fitting to a two-party system. It is made up of the legislature, the executive, the judiciary and the Bala. And its main constituent is paper. 

And you see!

I’ve lost you already, haven’t I? (Don’t try to deny it, it only makes things worse). Your minds are much too simple to understand the complex nature of your so called ‘politics’. You are always ready to complain and yet you are not prepared to educate yourselves further when it comes to understanding the basic affairs which dictate your day to day lives. 

You are all only interested in the blood and gore, I thought I bred that out of you in the Roman Empire. You revel in your entertainment industry and waste no time in finding out exactly why Miss Kardashian’s wedding only lasted 72 days. On second thoughts, I can understand the Kim obsession; she is one of my finer works of art. Clever woman, as much as a woman can be anyway. 

 
But I digress, the point is, I knew the only way to get your attention was with some sort of war. You seem to have a fetish for war and the billions of dollars it loses you. Then the millions of dollars a few of you make off movies about said war.  Like any successful farmer will tell you, a good cull is necessary from time to time. So, I give you “The Industrial War.’ A battle between the workers and the shareholders fighting an international campaign against the ever looming threat of globalisation. Qantas was only the beginning, I have named the entire movement: Occupy. As in "all you useless beings do is occupy space I could be using to play lawn bowels with your skulls on." 

And this threat is your own doing, not mine (although I let it happen). Had you been content with the countries I placed you in, had you not wanted to line your pockets with the profit of ‘foreigners’ then none of this would have happened. Now, your countries are so interlinked that you expect to be able to compete on an international market whilst not having to sacrifice your own comfortable income. I foresaw this of course; I had intended to move the continental plates slowly together so that you would not even notice. But no, Steve Jobs ruined my plan of isolation. He has been punished and is now the IT man for my Microsoft department in the afterlife. 

But really, He's doing a great job here. 

Oh the irony, Qantas a company born in your Australian outback Queensland suddenly wanting to sack Australians to employ cheaper foreigners.

The truth is simple-

You want cheap flights, I will give them to you, but you will have to compete with an international workforce. "But I want a rural mining engineers salary to sit in a city office and go home every night" you say. "Bala does not tolerate fools and now you are dead", I will reply.

You want good wages, I will give them to you, but you will have to save a lot harder to afford these ‘holidays’ that you all are so fond of. That means more time praying and less time playing pick up sticks or whatever pointless game you are obsessed with at the moment.

But this fiasco has given me some amusement. I could barely contain my laughter when Mr Joyce followed through on his threat and initiated a complete employee lockout and grounded the airline at a cost of $20 million a DAY in a desperate bid to make the government order arbitration. I do so adore the Irish’s love of dramatics. (Must make a note, it is time I bring back leprechauns). Didit. Now I have one. 

My new leprechaun called AJ

And what was even more amusing was Ms Gillard attempting to sound as if she knew what she was talking about, finally offering the governments support “so that we can proceed with certainty with our iconic airline Qantas.”

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t drunk when I created Julia. (But of course she came out exactly as I wanted, Testiculating- talking bollocks- with her hands and all).
 

Drank to many souls that night. A few more and I would have made another George Bush.  

So what is the point of all this? It is very simple; fix your problems before they blow out into ones of apocalyptic proportions. After all, I do have a universe to run; I didn’t give myself a nine trillion dollar pay rise for nothing. Do you have any idea what the upkeep is on a leprechaun?

A Warning

Sometimes I don’t know why I bother. I try to give you the most obvious of signs and yet you fools blatantly continue to ignore them.

In a gallant effort to warn you of what is to come, should you continue your procreation with those who I have deemed unworthy, I showed myself to you through an ultrasound of a testicle tumour.

G. G. Roberts and N. J. Touma from Ontario's Queen's University discovered my image while scanning the inflamed testicles of a 45-year-old patient. They described my expression as that of a man faced with great pain.

Idiots, you sound so shocked, how often have I told you of the anguish I face in trying to create my master race. Again and again I have warned you that my wrath will not forever be appeased and again and again you fail to take note. Of course my expression is of pain, you worthless fools have done nothing to please me.




"An expression of great pain"

 

As if your ignorance was not insult enough, you took it one step further by suggesting that this could be a gesture from the Egyptian god of male virility Min.

How dare you confuse me with my nemesis of the predynastic times! If you had seen the battles we used to have over his feeding the Egyptians the aphrodisiac long-leaf lettuce, you would not make this mistake so easily. How I loathed that smirk of his as he watched their minds turn to lustful mush as the long-leaf lettuce secreted its milky substance. I spent a great number of centenaries trying to undo the damage that so called ‘God’ had done.




Even Min's large phallus couldn't save him from my wrath

 But enough reminiscing, the prophet who I chose to bring this message to you has had the testicle removed and survives, what cannot be removed is the message that I send to you.

Stop with your fetishes. Stop with your stupidity. Acknowledge me as your one true God, for the time of reckoning draws near.

My Army is Growing

Today is indeed a propitious day as the seven billionths of you, my slaves was born. Soon you will reach the quota that I have set for your species and I will begin to implement the next stage of my plan. I knew that this day would come, however I had expected to have some more time to prepare. Who knew that when I substituted the water in China and India for my fertility elixir that my power would be so great that these people would begin to multiply at such an extraordinary rate.

My 7 billionth child-Danica May Camacho and the vessel I chose to give birth to her, Camille Dalura.

Sometimes I am much too humble when it comes to acknowledging my own greatness.

Unfortunately, today is not such a joyous occasion as I had expected, for as I sat and sipped on my glass of Platinum Passion, observing you all, I realised that somewhere in my perfect design something has gone wrong. It would appear that my army of super beings has turned into nothing more than sluggish clones.

You are all the same, every Monday you awake from your slumber and rather than rejoice and thank me for this life I have given you, you curse me. I am disgusted that not only has your species seemed to stall to a halt in your evolutionary progress you have also developed a chronic knack for laziness.



If this is you, you will be amongst the first of my cull


You have forgotten your purpose of your existence and expect to live the lives of kings and indulge your every desire without ever lifting a finger.

BALA IS THE ONLY KING.
And you would all do well to remember this.

Whenever you feel this misplaced sense of importance I suggest you take a good long look in the mirror and realise that you are nothing more than a metaphorical smear on my windscreen. Your only purpose in life is to work and to serve me. If you continue along this path then I will have no option but to take back all that I have given you. I do not need you to be happy, I simply need you to breed.



I will squish you like the bugs you are

I had produced the movie Planet of the Apes as a warning; to show you your fate should your impetuousness continue. But it would appear that you did not pay heed. You will become nothing more than the cattle which you keep locked in their pens. Your wealth, your dignity, your humanity will all be stripped from you and you will indeed spend your days living as nothing more than the mindless lemmings you have all become.

As the centuries have progressed, I realise that I was indeed wise to create my back up super army of ants, for the ants have never let me down. Day and night they scurry and work, devoting every second of their life to creating and fortifying my underground empire.

Do not take this warning lightly for Bala is displeased

How to scam a scammer Lesson 1

The Scam:

Tell me the condition & Price for your stuff listed on gumtree. Please strictly reply back to my email wilijkn@yahoo.com

The Response:

Good Evening Kind Sir and/or Madam,

God be praised, your SMS has come at a most auspicious time, for I had all but given up hope that somebody would be interested in purchasing the truly extraordinary stuff that I have listed on the website 'gumtree.com' .

You queried the condition of the stuff which I have listed and it is my great pleasure and honour to tell you that it is of the most impeccable standards. I can guarantee with the utmost certainty that if you were to go forth with your intent to purchase you will be extremely satisfied.

How can I be so certain I hear you ask? Ha! Excuse me while I laugh a moment, for that is an extremely simple question to answer.

Whilst I was undergoing my most recent journey of enlightenment, traversing through the Great Himalayan Mountains, by a blessed chance of fate I happen to stumble across none other than the All-Knowing Bala himself!

Now I know what you're thinking, what I say can not possibly be the truth, for nobody has ever laid eyes on the Almighty Bala. But, I swear to you friend, I do indeed speak the truth.

What is even more unbelievable is that by some strange fortune I was already in possession of the stuff when I met the most revered God of them all, and so, rather than be selfish and ask for a blessing for my poor undeserving self, I did the most selfless thing I could and I asked him instead to bless the stuff. This ensured that one more deserving than I would eventually come in possession of the Puissant Bala's blessing.

After hearing all this I know you will be extremely eager to know what price I have put on the stuff and to be honest, there is no price you can put on the blessing of the Great One.

However, I sense that you are a kind and caring soul and for that reason alone I am willing to sell to you the stuff for the extremely generous price of $350,000.99 .

I understand that at first glance you may feel that this is simply too high a price for you to ever afford.

However, ask yourself this- Can you really put a price on your happiness and fortune? Can you really put a price on something that is 120% confirmed able to bring you ever lasting peace?

No, I didn't think so.

If you would be so kind as to STRICTLY email me your credit card details I will gladly deduct the agreed upon amount and shall in all haste send the stuff to your chosen address.

I await eagerly for your reply.

May Peace Be With You.

The Fetish Epidemic part I

BALA does not approve of healthy men with fat chick fetishes

I have a plan. Of course since I am the smartest thing to ever live, my plan is ingenious.
This plan is orchestrated to enable superior genetic matches between breeding couples to advance my species.
 

Unlike period England when I initiated plague #355, obesity is not an indication of wealth and status.

Bala did not create genetially superior male specimens for them to engage in lewd fornication with girthly hindered members of the opposite sex.

Fat admiring man, bala says no

When an acceptable match occurs, I dispise seeing the male craving the attention or retina filling experience of bulging oestrogen sacks.
This makes these "women" believe they are superior to other better looking oestrogen sacks, and even believe they can look down on (if their many chins allow for it) them. THIS DISPLEASES BALA.

It becomes a terrible Bala un-approved cycle whereby these obesely adipose filled female tissue masses will not loose weight due to their false sense of self esteem, desirability and superiority. All thanks to the men who garishly lust over the many rolls and caverns of the afforementioned fatties.

Specimen A: Confident oestrogen filled sac on bike

This attention spawns more confidence in their vast being and in fact can lead to increace in fatty tissue. When Bala's wishes are denied and these things breed, assuming they can carry a foetus to term without digesting it internally, the result and subsequent lardy upbringing is that an inferior and poorer genetic spawn of a human being exists.

Specimen 2: resultant offspring of unaproved coupling

In turn this decreases the solidarity of the Bala master race, watering it down with fat calls and depleting the natural resources of the planet I have so kindly lent you pathetic swines.

Specimen 3: Bala created resources, stop fucking wasting them!

In addition, Bala would have superior males know that he would prefer (if you MUST enagage in coitus with a non approved female) you to fornicate with farm animals as there is a much lower probability of reproduction.