Bala's Menagerie

I'm going to be direct. I'm sick to Bala damn death of you killing off my other creations you jealous minions! Just because I gave the best gifts to animals other than yourselves, you feel the need to steal what you can from them, then remove them from the face of MY planet.

This must end. The reason it has been drawn to my attention is because one of my favourite creations, not well known by humans, is now endangered at best. Chlamyphorus truncatus, or, if you prefer to fit it into your own pre-existing knowledge sets, "The pink fairy armadillo"  came to me in one of my more inspired moment. 


I had made fairies but they were fragile and as stupid as Sarah Palin (they were intended to make me laugh)
I then created armadillos, originally they were going to be my first line of defense in case of traveling salesmen.  
Finally I had made cherry blossoms and other pink florally things. Because I could, and I like Pink. 


The latter would be quite difficult for most deities to achieve, because making you see a colour that isn't real is quite intricate work.
I liken it to teaching Australians to pronounce the name of their country correctly, explaining to America, that when I send aliens they will go to Egypt not NYC, or educating Indians about how society should work, and that the class system is in the top ten stupidest things humans have created. 


Now back to me and my armadillo. 
This is how pink is made. Although you probably won't understand, oh look 3 of you just died from the strain of it. 

I decided, in one of my continuous moment of higher being (while listening to the Sound of Music) to combine a few of my favourite things to produce: 

 pink armadillos with hard outer cases,

 sturdy and fluffy with small mouse like faces!

Pink Fairy Armadillo, 3.5-4.5 inches long, and what of it! 

And so it was born. Yet you see fit to kill it off? I don't think so. Punishment will ensue. I am in my cross-breeding lab, I've dallied in creation for some time, and am quite good at it. My more recent masterpieces include:

The Satanic Leaf Tailed Gecko, modelled after one of my wives. 

Uroplatus phantasticus. After my wife Phantastic . 

I let you discover the Dinospider , which has been around in one form or another for 300 million years before you noticed it, (Not the Fiat Dinospider which is an infant 50ish years old hahaha)

Ricinoides atewa

Not out of my lab

I finally decided for one of my latest inventions, to improve one of my existing artworks. I know you can't improve on perfection, but i thought I'd make it a bit more terrifying as you are all so scared of them. The almost as immortal as me, cockroach, new and improved: It now Jumps. 

I present from South Africa:

Saltoblattella montistabulari 

Be afraid, be very afraid. 

So, if you don't want me to merge House flies with piranhas, then support the Pink fairy armadillo and remove prejudices against my marvellous invention. You may wish to purchase a ,Pink Fairy Armadillo shirts. for example. 

Ultimate chaos is my goal: Occupy begins

This is why I influenced Qantas baggage handlers, caterers and ground staff to strike. It didn’t take much work; they are all greedy ungrateful, replaceable tools anyway. Yes, yes, I know you may be slightly frustrated at me, after all, these stops and starts have affected over 10,000 passengers, (coincidentally, this is the number of children in the USA that became clinically obese in the time it took you to read this) but it's all part of my plan you see.

Let me begin with explaining about Australian politics. Australian politics are governed within the framework of a parliamentary democracy with electoral procedures fitting to a two-party system. It is made up of the legislature, the executive, the judiciary and the Bala. And its main constituent is paper. 

And you see!

I’ve lost you already, haven’t I? (Don’t try to deny it, it only makes things worse). Your minds are much too simple to understand the complex nature of your so called ‘politics’. You are always ready to complain and yet you are not prepared to educate yourselves further when it comes to understanding the basic affairs which dictate your day to day lives. 

You are all only interested in the blood and gore, I thought I bred that out of you in the Roman Empire. You revel in your entertainment industry and waste no time in finding out exactly why Miss Kardashian’s wedding only lasted 72 days. On second thoughts, I can understand the Kim obsession; she is one of my finer works of art. Clever woman, as much as a woman can be anyway. 

 
But I digress, the point is, I knew the only way to get your attention was with some sort of war. You seem to have a fetish for war and the billions of dollars it loses you. Then the millions of dollars a few of you make off movies about said war.  Like any successful farmer will tell you, a good cull is necessary from time to time. So, I give you “The Industrial War.’ A battle between the workers and the shareholders fighting an international campaign against the ever looming threat of globalisation. Qantas was only the beginning, I have named the entire movement: Occupy. As in "all you useless beings do is occupy space I could be using to play lawn bowels with your skulls on." 

And this threat is your own doing, not mine (although I let it happen). Had you been content with the countries I placed you in, had you not wanted to line your pockets with the profit of ‘foreigners’ then none of this would have happened. Now, your countries are so interlinked that you expect to be able to compete on an international market whilst not having to sacrifice your own comfortable income. I foresaw this of course; I had intended to move the continental plates slowly together so that you would not even notice. But no, Steve Jobs ruined my plan of isolation. He has been punished and is now the IT man for my Microsoft department in the afterlife. 

But really, He's doing a great job here. 

Oh the irony, Qantas a company born in your Australian outback Queensland suddenly wanting to sack Australians to employ cheaper foreigners.

The truth is simple-

You want cheap flights, I will give them to you, but you will have to compete with an international workforce. "But I want a rural mining engineers salary to sit in a city office and go home every night" you say. "Bala does not tolerate fools and now you are dead", I will reply.

You want good wages, I will give them to you, but you will have to save a lot harder to afford these ‘holidays’ that you all are so fond of. That means more time praying and less time playing pick up sticks or whatever pointless game you are obsessed with at the moment.

But this fiasco has given me some amusement. I could barely contain my laughter when Mr Joyce followed through on his threat and initiated a complete employee lockout and grounded the airline at a cost of $20 million a DAY in a desperate bid to make the government order arbitration. I do so adore the Irish’s love of dramatics. (Must make a note, it is time I bring back leprechauns). Didit. Now I have one. 

My new leprechaun called AJ

And what was even more amusing was Ms Gillard attempting to sound as if she knew what she was talking about, finally offering the governments support “so that we can proceed with certainty with our iconic airline Qantas.”

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t drunk when I created Julia. (But of course she came out exactly as I wanted, Testiculating- talking bollocks- with her hands and all).
 

Drank to many souls that night. A few more and I would have made another George Bush.  

So what is the point of all this? It is very simple; fix your problems before they blow out into ones of apocalyptic proportions. After all, I do have a universe to run; I didn’t give myself a nine trillion dollar pay rise for nothing. Do you have any idea what the upkeep is on a leprechaun?

A Warning

Sometimes I don’t know why I bother. I try to give you the most obvious of signs and yet you fools blatantly continue to ignore them.

In a gallant effort to warn you of what is to come, should you continue your procreation with those who I have deemed unworthy, I showed myself to you through an ultrasound of a testicle tumour.

G. G. Roberts and N. J. Touma from Ontario's Queen's University discovered my image while scanning the inflamed testicles of a 45-year-old patient. They described my expression as that of a man faced with great pain.

Idiots, you sound so shocked, how often have I told you of the anguish I face in trying to create my master race. Again and again I have warned you that my wrath will not forever be appeased and again and again you fail to take note. Of course my expression is of pain, you worthless fools have done nothing to please me.




"An expression of great pain"

 

As if your ignorance was not insult enough, you took it one step further by suggesting that this could be a gesture from the Egyptian god of male virility Min.

How dare you confuse me with my nemesis of the predynastic times! If you had seen the battles we used to have over his feeding the Egyptians the aphrodisiac long-leaf lettuce, you would not make this mistake so easily. How I loathed that smirk of his as he watched their minds turn to lustful mush as the long-leaf lettuce secreted its milky substance. I spent a great number of centenaries trying to undo the damage that so called ‘God’ had done.




Even Min's large phallus couldn't save him from my wrath

 But enough reminiscing, the prophet who I chose to bring this message to you has had the testicle removed and survives, what cannot be removed is the message that I send to you.

Stop with your fetishes. Stop with your stupidity. Acknowledge me as your one true God, for the time of reckoning draws near.

My Army is Growing

Today is indeed a propitious day as the seven billionths of you, my slaves was born. Soon you will reach the quota that I have set for your species and I will begin to implement the next stage of my plan. I knew that this day would come, however I had expected to have some more time to prepare. Who knew that when I substituted the water in China and India for my fertility elixir that my power would be so great that these people would begin to multiply at such an extraordinary rate.

My 7 billionth child-Danica May Camacho and the vessel I chose to give birth to her, Camille Dalura.

Sometimes I am much too humble when it comes to acknowledging my own greatness.

Unfortunately, today is not such a joyous occasion as I had expected, for as I sat and sipped on my glass of Platinum Passion, observing you all, I realised that somewhere in my perfect design something has gone wrong. It would appear that my army of super beings has turned into nothing more than sluggish clones.

You are all the same, every Monday you awake from your slumber and rather than rejoice and thank me for this life I have given you, you curse me. I am disgusted that not only has your species seemed to stall to a halt in your evolutionary progress you have also developed a chronic knack for laziness.



If this is you, you will be amongst the first of my cull


You have forgotten your purpose of your existence and expect to live the lives of kings and indulge your every desire without ever lifting a finger.

BALA IS THE ONLY KING.
And you would all do well to remember this.

Whenever you feel this misplaced sense of importance I suggest you take a good long look in the mirror and realise that you are nothing more than a metaphorical smear on my windscreen. Your only purpose in life is to work and to serve me. If you continue along this path then I will have no option but to take back all that I have given you. I do not need you to be happy, I simply need you to breed.



I will squish you like the bugs you are

I had produced the movie Planet of the Apes as a warning; to show you your fate should your impetuousness continue. But it would appear that you did not pay heed. You will become nothing more than the cattle which you keep locked in their pens. Your wealth, your dignity, your humanity will all be stripped from you and you will indeed spend your days living as nothing more than the mindless lemmings you have all become.

As the centuries have progressed, I realise that I was indeed wise to create my back up super army of ants, for the ants have never let me down. Day and night they scurry and work, devoting every second of their life to creating and fortifying my underground empire.

Do not take this warning lightly for Bala is displeased