This is your Balascope for November, read it and weep. Then pray to me. Pray very much, I alone can alter your future.
ARIES
Your sights are aimed towards space, which you know little to nothing of, in November, dear Aries, but several circumstances help to bring you back down to earth. I am one of those circumstances, when you get ideas above your station, I shall briefly electrocute you, that shock you get through your shopping trolley? That’s me.  |
| I have ways of bringing you back to earth |
You can successfully combine practical matters (building a new condo for Bala) and more fanciful ones (spending your 30second lunchbreak dreaming about living in this condo) this month. With focus and daily sacrifice to BALA, you can make enormous progress in your work. You may even be able to ram your enemies with your metaphorical horns. You are likely to deal with romantic illusions on the 6-7. I will dispel these after the 8th so you can get back to work. Career and financial matters (matters such as “will I have enough change for parking?”) are strong and settled by the 15-16, after a scurry of activity and worries on the 10th. (When I shall begin the destruction of Italy) The last week of the month brings powerful intuition for work, (you will foresee a death and then be a bit traumatised after I make it happen) the chance to turn losses into gains, (I advise you to get them to make their will out to you) and opportunities to deal with past problems, although next month they will come back to haunt you.
TAURUS
The 10th brings heightened emotions (since I will be possessing you briefly) and personal revelations, (that you are being possessed) generally ‘Bala and I’ relationship-related, with the Full Moon in your sign, dear Taurus. The gravity makes you more ideally suited for possession.  |
| Thetan pest control! |
At around the same time, romance begins to heat up. Taureans are in good standing with me at the moment, and so I’m giving you a little shot of endorphins to make you more effective slaves. Some of you are pursuing it more assertively, and others are experiencing ups and downs. (Think I’ve covered all my bases). Your mother will tell you to avoid new relationships that seem to be inviting trouble, but I would never say that to you, you may thank me with a sacrifice btw. The 15-16th is strong for romance and creativity, a result of the lingering endorphins; try praying to Bala in groups. Shared finances can become tricky to handle in the last week of the month and into December, so do what you can to straighten out debt, as well as ownership and joint money matters, before then. I suggest donating to my church, you will start to experience a much better life after you do so, your donations also cover Thetan pest control.
GEMINI
Good energy for relationships and negotiations is with you for most of November, dear Gemini. But don’t get too excited, I have a plague of misery in the mail for you next month. Your attitude towards your close ties is transforming in significant ways. You will soon grow to despise them as you get closer to me. Single Geminis might meet an especially charming and communicative love interest; this interest will be a telemarketer.
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| I see love in your life |
Work and professional matters are well starred this month. This is due to the fact that Christmas (hahaha) decorations are going up and you insist on putting stars on all your shit. Your goals are clearer and motivation is easy to find, you are a simple lot, so this isn't hard to imagine. From the 11th, you could feel a strong desire to renovate your home, but be careful that you don't take on more projects than you can reasonably handle. Start by cleaning a cup, and work your way up to painting my name on your living room wall. From the 24th, complications can arise that have you rethinking what you've started, which is logical, because you asinine Gemini are for the most part, dyslexic.
CANCER
Work relationships improve in November, dear Cancer, since all your colleagues hate you this is good news. Avoid overloading your plate with responsibilities, as they are likely to come back to haunt you in the last week of the month when things can get very hectic. You will of course ignore me, because you think because you have a deadly disease named after you, you know better. You don’t, and everyone will hate you again, soon enough.  |
| The bond will be stronger than superglue. |
Mix-ups and other such challenges are likely then, much to my amusement. Any "crisis" occurring in your work at this time is simply clearing the way towards better work conditions; it is all part of my master plan to have you all serving me in more useful capacities. Carefully watch your spending and financial dealings around the 6-8th, as I will be skimming your account to pay for my unicorn blood habit, the temptation to borrow from the future, combined with unrealistic expectations, can lead you down the wrong road. Be happy being a broke ass and if you are an American Cancer, well it’s just another month. A relationship strengthens on the 27th. What? You thought I’d tell you with whom? Oh ok. Your goldfish.
LEO
Your charm is considerable this month, dear Leo. You will be a tiger in the sack and risk damaging your partner with your claws. However, a simple flirtation could be misinterpreted as more than it is (read: expect marriage proposal), so watch that you don't land yourself into unnecessarily complicated situations. Carry a parachute at all times.  |
| not this kind of parachute |
You could change your mind, or cool off, in the last week of November. (This is when you will use said parachute) The same may be true of taking on new creative projects (such as building me a shrine) - you can start them feeling gung-ho, and then lose interest later. Here I will visit you and terrify you into continuing. Ups and downs come from the need to frequently discern between facts (BALA) and fancy (LOVE). Finding a middle ground is the key to the side entrance of my pyramid.
VIRGO
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| He's coming for you with his aggressive...branding. |
As confident and energetic as you feel (like say, one who has had cocaine or unicorn blood), however, avoid taking on too many new projects, as you're likely to feel their weight in the last week of the month. This is what you get for becoming a personal trainer and then having to carry your client to the gym after they get lazy. Moderation in other humans and focus on Bala are keys to success now. The 27th is excellent for finding love in unexpected places, like under the couch cushions. Watch out for Richard Branson.
LIBRA
You're so busy this month looking at your reflections that it's easy to get distracted and miss important information sent from Bala, dear Libra. Working your charm on yourself is effortless now, however, but do watch for confusion in love and friendship when you have to talk to real people on the 6-7.
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| sacrifice in the good old days |
After this, you're much better off with more clarity in these areas of life, which only I can offer for a nominal fee. Mechanical break-downs, misinformation, dealing with red tape, losing your soul and other such annoyances, are likely in the last week of November if the fee isn’t paid. Concentrate on getting your work (ie: sacrifices) done well the first time so you won't have to redo things later. It is difficult to find a good sacrificial goat.
SCORPIO
Financial matters seem very promising this month, dear Scorpio. You may even get to see a $100 bill. But do be careful that you don't overdo spending or purchase large ticket items that you are likely to regret later in November. That DVD rewinder can wait. Ambiguity surrounding career matters (should you sleep with your boss?) on the 6-7 clears up on the 15-16 (Yes, they are a good genetic match for you). |
| the shit you spend my money on, honestly. |
Romantic proclamations or relationship challenges are likely on the 10th when your partner asks if you are sleeping with your boss. Trust issues are in play.
Trying to separate fact from fiction in your love life could put you on an emotional rollercoaster. Give it up and stop sharing every damn thing that crosses your mind, no-one cares. Personal impact is strong this month, especially from the 11th forward, loose a few kg, that way the impact will be less and broken bones will be minimised.
SAGITTARIUS
Personal popularity with mice and spiders soars this month dear Sagittarius. Your independent spirit pushes up and out, eventually resulting in a brain haemorrhage, and you enjoy plenty of scope for doing your own thing, because a side effect of this will be insanity. Others take special interest in you, mainly those in the medical field. |
| good cull to cleanse the soul |
Enhancing your appearance by getting a tattoo of my name, serves to increase your confidence even further. Career and finances are especially strong; they are like well-built bouncers, particularly on the 15-16 and 23-27. Even so, be careful that you don't let runaway optimism lead you to take on more projects than you can handle, you have a very short attention span & you'll likely feel the pressure (from a cyclone I’m working on)in the last week of the month. There’s a bit of that going around.
CAPRICORN
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| mwhahahaha! |
Your private life is especially animated this month, dear Capricorn. There will be Disney characters intruding your house at all hours of the day. Because they make such bad housemates, you're not as willing to share your feelings with the world in November, and personal plans are in an early stage of development. Worry not; you will be able to poison them all effectively. You're in a period of reflection and preparation, so take things as slowly as you can while you earn their trust.
Sacrifices may need to be made when it comes to your relationships as some idiots still believe Disney isn’t a sinking ship - you are required to be sympathetic and helpful now, you can be evil at the end. The last few days of the month, however, bring love matters up front and centre as I present my corporeal self to you. Appreciation for your efforts is forthcoming now and I will present you with a certificate for ridding the world of Disney.
AQUARIUS
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| this is what scrambled brains look like, pretty much. |
While your career initiatives to become a servant to Bala remain on the front burner in November, dear Aquarius, pressure to perform is reduced as I feel you are too useless to command, and your social life begins to take more priority, at which point I may destroy you. You're in high demand with friends, and group activities can keep you pleasantly busy this month as I relegate you to my “making earth look like it’s full of happy humans” task-force.
Even so, exercise (at the gym) moderation when it comes to answering those demands, as the last week of November can be especially hectic and you may regret having scheduled too many activities. However it will be too late and all will be lost. A partner's behaviour can be baffling around the 6-7 as I scramble their brain and eat it for breakfast. Financial matters become clearer but more pressing as you are left alone in the world. Pray hard minion, pray hard.
PICIES
You're feeling especially optimistic about your work this month, reassuring as I have ordered you to build a statue of me, dear Pisces, and you're being received in a wonderfully charming light by the monkeys I have helping you. It's easy to rally up support now and you are really one of them. As long as you avoid the trap of taking on too many responsibilities, like washing, feeding and entertaining the staff, you'll be fine later in the month when complications can arise and things become extremely busy. Have you ever seen a fish rally a cacophony of monkeys? It’s funny, for me.  |
| playful monkeys ripping out intestines. awww. |
Don't spread yourself out too thin, save that for my torture chamber in the afterlife. Problems that have been brewing in your close relationships can become pressing from the 11th forward they will eventually press you into a cube shape and you have a 50% chance of dying. Conversations are helpful (with anyone about anything) around the 15-16, but backtracking is likely from the 24th forward. Invest in a rear view mirror so you don’t hit anything.
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