Occupy the human race.

So, one of you idiots somehow got the idea to attempt to use that grey matter of yours and speak up for what you believe in. This same said idiot then somehow managed to influence a vast minority (and yes, I mean minority) of other idiots across the globe; one thing lead to another, and as such “Occupy Wall Street” was born. This later evolved to ""Occupy" whatever place you bum around in"

You gave me such a fleeting glimmer of hope, my children. Finally you had taken the initiative to do something other than tweet exaggerated memoirs of your pathetically mundane lives!

 No longer would I have to endure Paris Hilton tweeting:  "No, no, I didn't go to England; I went to London." and Mary J Blige's "Why is that people always try to understand estimate my intelligents?! They should never do that!"

You claimed to be, and I quote, “fighting back against the corrosive power of major banks and multinational corporations over the democratic process, and the role of Wall Street in creating an economic collapse that has caused the greatest recession in generations.”

My oh my, somebody’s been reading the dictionary haven’t they. Now this has happened (pretty much) before in 1929, but those who remembered it either jumped out of buildings then or are too senile to join you in your movement now.

feels like it was yesterday.

This is the effect you are after "Occupy wall st" Protesters? is it not? 

 For a moment I was in awe, could it really be? Had you somehow worked out how to use your…brain? Obviously this caused for a closer inspection, so I made a trip to Liberty Square in Manhattan’s Financial District for a closer look.

And this is what I was confronted with:

Oh for Bala's sake...

 AND THIS!!!

Hurry up and die of one of your many possible diseases so I can show you what real enslavement is like you idiotic pig.  

Firstly, let’s take a look at you. You look like a bunch of sewer rats who very cunningly managed to steal your clothes off a homeless man. I’m surprised you all didn’t simply drop dead from your stench. How do you expect to be taken seriously when it looks like you’d struggle to recite the first three letters of the alphabet?

And you?! I didn't even create you on purpose, are you the resultant offspring of a snail and an emo?

 You believe you are being strong by not conforming and going against the norm. In actual fact all you are doing is hindering your cause before it has even truly started. For a true revolution to take place you must firstly gain the support of the people. You are not the people. You are the minority. The people do not want to follow a bunch of degenerate rats.

Secondly, HALF OF YOU DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WERE PROTESTING AGAINST.

Yes because buses are made out of small animals with no manufacturing process and they run on love.

Although, the irony is probably wasted on you protesters. 

The best explanation the majority of you could form was something along the lines of “we’re against rich people because they make us poor and shit” Really? THEY make you poor? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with you lack of education or unwillingness to, Bala forbid, work? 

I should’ve trusted my instincts. It was all a cleverly (but not at clever as me) orchestrated hoax. Your cognitive functions have not improved at all.

the most flattering depiction of your thought capacities

This is your Balascope for November, read it and weep. Then pray to me. Pray very much, I alone can alter your future. 

ARIES

Your sights are aimed towards space, which you know little to nothing of, in November, dear Aries, but several circumstances help to bring you back down to earth. I am one of those circumstances, when you get ideas above your station, I shall briefly electrocute you, that shock you get through your shopping trolley? That’s me.

I have ways of bringing
 you back to earth

You can successfully combine practical matters (building a new condo for Bala) and more fanciful ones (spending your 30second lunchbreak dreaming about living in this condo) this month. With focus and daily sacrifice to BALA, you can make enormous progress in your work. You may even be able to ram your enemies with your metaphorical horns. You are likely to deal with romantic illusions on the 6-7. I will dispel these after the 8^th so you can get back to work. Career and financial matters (matters such as “will I have enough change for parking?”) are strong and settled by the 15-16, after a scurry of activity and worries on the 10th. (When I shall begin the destruction of Italy) The last week of the month brings powerful intuition for work, (you will foresee a death and then be a bit traumatised after I make it happen) the chance to turn losses into gains, (I advise you to get them to make their will out to you) and opportunities to deal with past problems, although next month they will come back to haunt you.

TAURUS

The 10th brings heightened emotions (since I will be possessing you briefly) and personal revelations, (that you are being possessed) generally ‘Bala and I’ relationship-related, with the Full Moon in your sign, dear Taurus. The gravity makes you more ideally suited for possession.

Thetan pest control!

At around the same time, romance begins to heat up. Taureans are in good standing with me at the moment, and so I’m giving you a little shot of endorphins to make you more effective slaves. Some of you are pursuing it more assertively, and others are experiencing ups and downs. (Think I’ve covered all my bases). Your mother will tell you to avoid new relationships that seem to be inviting trouble, but I would never say that to you, you may thank me with a sacrifice btw.  The 15-16^th is strong for romance and creativity, a result of the lingering endorphins; try praying to Bala in groups. Shared finances can become tricky to handle in the last week of the month and into December, so do what you can to straighten out debt, as well as ownership and joint money matters, before then. I suggest donating to my church, you will start to experience a much better life after you do so, your donations also cover Thetan pest control.

GEMINI

Good energy for relationships and negotiations is with you for most of November, dear Gemini. But don’t get too excited, I have a plague of misery in the mail for you next month. Your attitude towards your close ties is transforming in significant ways. You will soon grow to despise them as you get closer to me. Single Geminis might meet an especially charming and communicative love interest; this interest will be a telemarketer.

I see love in your life

Work and professional matters are well starred this month. This is due to the fact that Christmas (hahaha) decorations are going up and you insist on putting stars on all your shit. Your goals are clearer and motivation is easy to find, you are a simple lot, so this isn't hard to imagine. From the 11th, you could feel a strong desire to renovate your home, but be careful that you don't take on more projects than you can reasonably handle. Start by cleaning a cup, and work your way up to painting my name on your living room wall. From the 24th, complications can arise that have you rethinking what you've started, which is logical, because you asinine Gemini are for the most part, dyslexic.

CANCER

Work relationships improve in November, dear Cancer, since all your colleagues hate you this is good news. Avoid overloading your plate with responsibilities, as they are likely to come back to haunt you in the last week of the month when things can get very hectic. You will of course ignore me, because you think because you have a deadly disease named after you, you know better. You don’t, and everyone will hate you again, soon enough.  

The bond will be stronger
than superglue. 

Mix-ups and other such challenges are likely then, much to my amusement. Any "crisis" occurring in your work at this time is simply clearing the way towards better work conditions; it is all part of my master plan to have you all serving me in more useful capacities. Carefully watch your spending and financial dealings around the 6-8^th, as I will be skimming your account to pay for my unicorn blood habit, the temptation to borrow from the future, combined with unrealistic expectations, can lead you down the wrong road. Be happy being a broke ass and if you are an American Cancer, well it’s just another month. A relationship strengthens on the 27th. What? You thought I’d tell you with whom? Oh ok. Your goldfish.

LEO

Your charm is considerable this month, dear Leo. You will be a tiger in the sack and risk damaging your partner with your claws. However, a simple flirtation could be misinterpreted as more than it is (read: expect marriage proposal), so watch that you don't land yourself into unnecessarily complicated situations. Carry a parachute at all times.

not this kind of parachute

You could change your mind, or cool off, in the last week of November. (This is when you will use said parachute) The same may be true of taking on new creative projects (such as building me a shrine) - you can start them feeling gung-ho, and then lose interest later. Here I will visit you and terrify you into continuing. Ups and downs come from the need to frequently discern between facts (BALA) and fancy (LOVE). Finding a middle ground is the key to the side entrance of my pyramid.

VIRGO

November is likely to begin with a certain level of ambiguity or uncertainty surrounding work and love matters, dear Virgo. You are all virginal whores and can never make up your mind about anything. Keep a low profile and avoid jumping to wild conclusions until after the 11th, when energy levels increase (after putting a fork into the toaster) and indecisiveness no longer plagues you. Instead, mosquitoes will plague you.  

He's coming for you with his
aggressive...branding. 

As confident and energetic as you feel (like say, one who has had cocaine or unicorn blood), however, avoid taking on too many new projects, as you're likely to feel their weight in the last week of the month. This is what you get for becoming a personal trainer and then having to carry your client to the gym after they get lazy. Moderation in other humans and focus on Bala are keys to success now. The 27th is excellent for finding love in unexpected places, like under the couch cushions. Watch out for Richard Branson.

LIBRA

You're so busy this month looking at your reflections that it's easy to get distracted and miss important information sent from Bala, dear Libra. Working your charm on yourself is effortless now, however, but do watch for confusion in love and friendship when you have to talk to real people on the 6-7.

sacrifice in the good old days

After this, you're much better off with more clarity in these areas of life, which only I can offer for a nominal fee. Mechanical break-downs, misinformation, dealing with red tape, losing your soul and other such annoyances, are likely in the last week of November if the fee isn’t paid. Concentrate on getting your work (ie: sacrifices) done well the first time so you won't have to redo things later. It is difficult to find a good sacrificial goat.

SCORPIO

Financial matters seem very promising this month, dear Scorpio. You may even get to see a $100 bill. But do be careful that you don't overdo spending or purchase large ticket items that you are likely to regret later in November. That DVD rewinder can wait. Ambiguity surrounding career matters (should you sleep with your boss?) on the 6-7 clears up on the 15-16 (Yes, they are a good genetic match for you).

the shit you spend my money on,
honestly. 

Romantic proclamations or relationship challenges are likely on the 10^th when your partner asks if you are sleeping with your boss. Trust issues are in play.

Trying to separate fact from fiction in your love life could put you on an emotional rollercoaster. Give it up and stop sharing every damn thing that crosses your mind, no-one cares. Personal impact is strong this month, especially from the 11th forward, loose a few kg, that way the impact will be less and broken bones will be minimised.

SAGITTARIUS

Personal popularity with mice and spiders soars this month dear Sagittarius. Your independent spirit pushes up and out, eventually resulting in a brain haemorrhage, and you enjoy plenty of scope for doing your own thing, because a side effect of this will be insanity. Others take special interest in you, mainly those in the medical field.

good cull to cleanse the soul

 Enhancing your appearance by getting a tattoo of my name, serves to increase your confidence even further. Career and finances are especially strong; they are like well-built bouncers, particularly on the 15-16 and 23-27. Even so, be careful that you don't let runaway optimism lead you to take on more projects than you can handle, you have a very short attention span & you'll likely feel the pressure (from a cyclone I’m working on)in the last week of the month. There’s a bit of that going around.

CAPRICORN

mwhahahaha!

Your private life is especially animated this month, dear Capricorn. There will be Disney characters intruding your house at all hours of the day. Because they make such bad housemates, you're not as willing to share your feelings with the world in November, and personal plans are in an early stage of development. Worry not; you will be able to poison them all effectively.  You're in a period of reflection and preparation, so take things as slowly as you can while you earn their trust.

 Sacrifices may need to be made when it comes to your relationships as some idiots still believe Disney isn’t a sinking ship - you are required to be sympathetic and helpful now, you can be evil at the end. The last few days of the month, however, bring love matters up front and centre as I present my corporeal self to you. Appreciation for your efforts is forthcoming now and I will present you with a certificate for ridding the world of Disney.

AQUARIUS

this is what scrambled brains look
like, pretty much. 

While your career initiatives to become a servant to Bala remain on the front burner in November, dear Aquarius, pressure to perform is reduced as I feel you are too useless to command, and your social life begins to take more priority, at which point I may destroy you. You're in high demand with friends, and group activities can keep you pleasantly busy this month as I relegate you to my “making earth look like it’s full of happy humans”  task-force. 

Even so, exercise (at the gym) moderation when it comes to answering those demands, as the last week of November can be especially hectic and you may regret having scheduled too many activities. However it will be too late and all will be lost. A partner's behaviour can be baffling around the 6-7 as I scramble their brain and eat it for breakfast. Financial matters become clearer but more pressing as you are left alone in the world. Pray hard minion, pray hard.

PICIES

You're feeling especially optimistic about your work this month, reassuring as I have ordered you to build a statue of me, dear Pisces, and you're being received in a wonderfully charming light by the monkeys I have helping you. It's easy to rally up support now and you are really one of them. As long as you avoid the trap of taking on too many responsibilities, like washing, feeding and entertaining the staff, you'll be fine later in the month when complications can arise and things become extremely busy. Have you ever seen a fish rally a cacophony of monkeys? It’s funny, for me.

playful monkeys ripping out intestines. awww. 

Don't spread yourself out too thin, save that for my torture chamber in the afterlife. Problems that have been brewing in your close relationships can become pressing from the 11th forward they will eventually press you into a cube shape and you have a 50% chance of dying. Conversations are helpful (with anyone about anything) around the 15-16, but backtracking is likely from the 24th forward. Invest in a rear view mirror so you don’t hit anything.

The Parable of the Lost Son

Bala continued: “I once had two sons. The younger one said to me, ‘Father, give me my share of the universe.’ I was proud that my son had inherited my ambition, so I divided the galaxy between them.

 “Not long after that, my younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant planet known only as ‘Earth’ and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in the country in which he had chosen to stay, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.



Oink



 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s minions have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against the world of Bala and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your brainless minions.’ So he got up, found his spaceship and came home to me.

"But while he was still a long way off, I being the all seeing messiah that I am, saw him, and was filled with pride that my son had survived the dreaded Earth and as such, rather than wait for the next 2 million years for his space ship to arrive, I instantly teleport him to me."

 “My son said to me, ‘Father, I have sinned against the world of Bala and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

First Bala slapped him for being so weak to come grovelling back to him, but then he laughed and said to his slaves, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and tickle his feet. Bring me a fatty and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they all began to celebrate.

A Fatty nicely stuffed and presented for the feast

 “Meanwhile, my older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the slaves and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed a fatty because he has him back safe and sound.’

 “My oldest son became angry and refused to go in. SoI went out and spoke with him. But he answered me, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fatty for him!’

 “‘My son,” I said, ‘you are always with me, and not once have you showed any initiative to go out and take what is rightfully yours. I am the all mighty Bala, it does not do that I have a son as weak as you.”

And so Bala banished his eldest son to the distant planet of Earth.

On his entry into the atmosphere his spaceship crashed and he was knocked unconscious. A Russian woman by the name of Marta Yegorovnam found him and he spent the rest of his days comatised and frozen solid in her fridge.

Bala became angry at her preserving his life so he showed himself in an apparition to two of his loyal followers at the Karelian Research Center of the Russian Acadamy of Sciences and said to them, “Go forth and find my son, reposes his body so that it may serve as a constant reminder to those who do not please me.”

They did as they were told and Bala was pleased.

How to scam a scammer Lesson 2

From: Bala Ali baladidit@gmail.com
To: Mrsmaria Gam <mrsmariagam@yahoo.com.ph>
Date:Tue, Nov 8, 2011 at 11:48 PM
SubjectRe: EYES ONLY:FROM ACCOUNT OFFICER
mailed-bygmail.com


Let's address your e-mail one point at a time. I know you are only mortal, and so I will write in simple sentences. See below highlighted.



On Tue, Nov 8, 2011 at 5:49 AM, Mrsmaria Gam <mrsmariagam@yahoo.com.ph> wrote:

Dear Bala,

Thank you very much for your response, and your interest in this transaction, I am also glad to note that you are noble and trustworthy person of course I am noble and trustworthy. I am god.whom I can rely on for your capabilities to handle this transaction.Like I said before, due to this issue on my hands now,it became necessary for me to seek your assistance,You are one of billions who ask for my help. why should I choose to help you?  I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and also to help me in investing my money in your country. You should not have anything to worry about. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking How about universal laws, Jupiter has very strict legislation about this kind of thing.
Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up.If you work seriously, Bala only ever works jokingly. the entire transaction should be over within two weeks. Human time or god time? I also want you to know that i will be very upfront with you and will expect the same from you .Since I can read your mind thta's not an issue .My job with my bank is all i've You need a capital I for 'I've' got and even though i I can claim denialbility if exposed i I would rather choose to believe and have faith in your basic sincerity.In line with this i I am forwarding to you the original deposit slip of the aforementioned funds in my bank{THEN EQUITABLE PCI BANK} as a sign of surety and will ask that you deligently follow through with my procedure and when the time comes that of the attorney and in so doing we will surely by the grace of God I am god, it is my grace to give out.  be able to conclude this transaction speedily.Like i I oh I give up  said i will be upfront with you as i appreciate that only truth and honesty will see us through and in this light i  promise that whatever i need of you will be explained and clarified.Lastly my goal and our goal is great and i will tell you catigorically once and for all time You will not live to see all time that you remove any remaining doubts you have about this.What i need is your true and loyal partnership as our goal is clear and the hour is now.Let my words,actions and processes judge.MY WORD IS MY BOND.JAMES BOND.
READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

Firstly,i will like to know the type of occupation that you are involved in. Religion, God of all. I will like to know how old you are. About 88^10 You should note that this project is highly capital intensive. This is why I have to be very careful as i will be commiting my funds to this venture. I need your total devotion and trust to see this through.I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.I can come to your house to visit you, I know where it is, I've been before.
I mentioned an attorney earlier and it is important i tell you about him as he will be the key to the success of this deal.The attorney works out of the UK but is very familiar with the workings of our system out here as indeed i first met him through the late Lawrence Smith who he worked for at the time.I have reached out to him to assist in this transaction as obviously he knows alot and can be of immence assistance.My reaching out to you is also as a result of his councel on the best way to claim beneficiary of the funds and i have engaged his firm and will be paying him accordingly to process and prepare documents that will put you in as next of kin and beneficiary. Yes I am aware of Lucifer, I have worked with him many times. You should be wary of your soul around him mortal hahaha.

Now as in all banks my bank has correspondence banks and in looking at the best way to sucessfully collect on the beneficiary funds when you are made heir to the estate i think if imperative that we use a correspondence bank of my bank and i have chosen one that will suit us to the latter.I now intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank. OK that's done, now what? The money would be transferred to your account which you will open in the bank,This is the best way i have found to proceed with the transaction.It is expidient for you to know that the bank i am directing you to is a correspondence bank of my bank and transferring this huge amount there will be routine and normal.Also upon the transfer of the funds into your account there i will be in a better position to monitor the funds and to guarantee you comply with transfering my part to my personal account and other ventures that i deem appropriate.Other ventures meaning investments and in this again i will solicit your assistance in pointing me towards the right direction in regards to making investments in your country.Furthermore you must realise that after the Sept 11 2001 terrorist attack in the States Thanks aren't necessary.  transferring such huge amounts as this in one go into your country will raise eyebrows and call for unwarranted questions and procedures. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when concluded,So you should listen to my instructions and follow them religiously Of course, if you follow me religiously.
As result of this, you will have to open an account in the corresponding bank.I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of the attorney to give the transaction the legal right.No problems I have divine right and diplomatic immunity, so I can park wherever I want.
Before I commence, I will need you to send me a scanned copy of any form of your identification (Driver's license or International passport) You may have proof of identity here: http://baladidit.blogspot.com/and your full names,Bala Didit current address 1 Pyramid st.  Gîza, Al Jizah, Egypt  and also your private phone and fax number I have no need for these, I use cats.  as these are necessary details for the attorney to commence work. As soon as I get these from you, I will commence the paper work with the attorney.These details will also be necessary for the attorney to prepare a power of attorney that will mandate him to act on your behalf.
 
I will send the name and contact details of the bank to you so that you can commence communication with them as soon as i receive your mail with aforementioned details.

Please let me state that however this process that i would choose and like us to implement due to its simplicity and cost factors,if you would rather personally take charge by deciding to travel to personally lay claim to the funds then that can be worked out also although like i said it would involve your travelling and going through clearance yourself.If you prefer this option then as soon as the attorney perfects the paperwork that puts you in as next of kin you will then have to arrange to travel to clear the funds personally.We can also explore this option too and i'd generally like to hear your input as indeed i must value your take and perception.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential, do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.What is your reason for this, such an elusive opportunity, I know Kali would be interested.
Please reply soonest.

Regards,

Maria Cristina Gam
BALA

Why none of you can never be as Great as me

What I am going to share with you today is evidence that none of you deserve to be given such reverence to be known as ‘history’s greats’. Unlike me, you are really nothing more than clones made from a one size fits most mold, with only slight variations in looks (I learnt from creating chemoautotrophs, that having my creations all look the same can cause big headaches when it comes to doing headcounts) and abilities (any good soap opera produce will tell you, throwing a bunch of half-wits together with vastly conflicting personalities makes for great day time viewing).

Case Study 1. Albert Einstein

You view this man as one of your most brilliant.

He gave you the ‘Special Theory of Relativity’ stating that all uniform motion is relative and reinforced what I had been trying to get through to your useless brains for centuries, that there is no absolute state of rest (from now on I want no more complaints in regards to lack of sleep, just do what you were put on this Earth for and work on building my empire).

Yes, I might've blessed Einstein with a few more cognitive functions than most, but the truth of the matter is that he was a philanderer who cheated on both his wives repeatedly (might I add that one of those wives was in fact his cousin Elsa).

Brainless minions shouldn't waste time reading and get back to frying my burgers

Personally this doesn’t bother me, for as I have explained to you previously one of my greatest regrets was the creation of this so called ‘Love’. However, I am surprised that so little of you care to remember this fact considering the emphasis you place on the sanctity of marriage.     

Case Study 2. Winston Churchill

Ahh Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill.

With so many names it’s obvious that he would have to become someone of importance. You revere him the most for the leadership he provided during WWII, you also gave him one of your Nobel Prizes in Literature.

And my oh my, what a finely articulated person he was, here, I even copied some of his lesser known writings out for you:

“I do not admit… that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America, or the black people of Australia… by the fact that a stronger race, a higher grade race… has come in and taken its place.” -Churchill to Palestine Royal Commission, 1937

“I do not understand the squeamishness about the use of gas. I am strongly in favour of using poisonous gas against uncivilised tribes” – Writing as president of the Air Council.

“First there are the Jews who, dwelling in every country throughout the world, identify themselves with that country, enter into its national life, and, while adhering faithfully to their own religion, regard themselves as citizens in the fullest sense of the State which has received them…. Most, if not all, of them have forsaken the faith of their fathers…This worldwide conspiracy for the overthrow of civilisation…has steadily growing” — Writing on ‘Zionism versus Bolshevism’ in the Illustrated Sunday Herald, February 1920

Now correct me if I’m wrong (which I’m not), but don’t these writings lead to the conclusion that this Sir Churchill was indeed a racist? Once again your stupidity comes to light through your hypocrisy.

Of course if it had been a competition based on intelligence, the dog would've been first

Joseph Stalin was also a ‘great war time leader’

Mao Tse-Tung was also a ‘great war time leader’

Adolph Hitler was also a ‘great war time leader’

Pol Pot was also a ‘great war time leader’

Benito Mussolini was also a ‘great war time leader’

Oh wait, never mind, I think I worked out your reasoning. So long as you are a great leader but not literally the one orchestrating the cull then all will be forgiven.

Case Study 3. Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson was the principal author of your United States Declaration of Independence. He was also passionately against white people having children with black people (a reasoning I will never understand, seeing that such copulations generally results in rather attractive offspring).  

Woe and behold, you adeptness at hypocrisy once again prevails as dear old Thomas was running around fathering children with his black slave Sally Hemings (but of course he denied this so all was forgiven).

What I find most amusing is how so many of you idolise these certain individuals, overlooking all their flaws and granting them an almost Bala like status simply because they do certain things which you common minions could never achieve.

Useless Reports

You humans have indeed morphed into strange beings (I really shouldn’t have made you so slippery; I might’ve been able to control your form a little better). You create video cameras, the printing press and the internet and manage to turn all this into one multibillion worldwide organisation known as “The Media”.

Regardless of which country I have placed you in, your media is one of your most powerful tools of communications which I begrudgingly allow in order to provide you with a mouth piece for your social issues.

I really am much too generous with all that I give you

When first thinking of this grand achievement I said, “Siri, remind me to offer my otherwise useless slaves congratulations on this grand achievement, perhaps in the form of a worldwide Saltoblattella Montistabulari plague so they can all gleefully report on its devastating aftermath.”

And then, I stopped… and realised that just as with every other achievement you have managed to stuff this up. You claim your media offers a voice to the oppressed, that you are highlighting global issues, that you are informing people of worthwhile knowledge to fill their otherwise empty brain cavities. But are you really? And be honest now, remember, I can read your mind.

Of course the correct answer is NO.

How in the name of Bala, is reporting about a stolen fibreglass pig that was held for ransom in High Buckholmside, Glashiels utilising this media of yours to its full potential?

How is knowing that Peaches Geldof often dreams of bread going to help feed the 920,000 of you from Somalia who are currently faced with starvation?

You claim that your media has a ‘constructive role to play in society’, but being the all knowing Bala, I see through you façade.

Now, I am not an unreasonable type of God, so I will give you a chance to prove wrong (I know it’s a slightly unfair game as I am never wrong, but humour me for a moment). You have ten seconds to tell me who this is: Sami al-Hajj.

Here, I'll even give you a clue.

1

2

3

4

5

6….Never mind, you don’t know. Sami al-Hajj was one of your television cameramen from Sudan who covered your Afghanistan War in 2001.  Al-Hajj's news crew had covered the human aftermath of American bombing in Afghanistan, and broadcasts gruesome images that come at the cost of warfare.

Now being an all powerful being myself, I know how troublesome it gets when people start knowing the truth rather than believing in the rainbow coloured story about magical unicorns you have created for them, and like me, the Bush administration preferred that world was not made privy to such negative imagery out of fear of losing public support (they were doing a fine job of that on their own, without the extra help).

So, as a result Al-Hajj was imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay because the Bush administration claimed that he was linked to Osama bin Laden, and that he'd been involved in transporting weapons and funding terrorist organisations. No evidence was ever produced to support these charges, and Al-Hajj denied them. He was interrogated more than 130 times, force-fed by nasal tube after he stopped eating in protest and all the while maintained his innocence.

Now, I’m not saying he was innocent and I’m not saying that he was guilty (I do not need to tell you everything). What I am saying, is where was the investigation? Where was the moral outrage that this man was being held and brutalised for no apparent reason?  WHERE WAS YOUR MEDIA? No doubt reporting on the important campaign police had begun to apprehend jaywalkers.